Title: This Forgetting Is Hard Work
Author: Wonderland
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘em, wish I did, you know who does, yadda, yadda, yadda
Summary: Daniel was hiding something from his new teammates
Season/Spoiler info: Fallen, Homecoming

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right –Home - Michael Buble

This Forgetting Is Hard Work

He blinked slowly as the other man smiled at him before loping away. There was something, something he couldn’t identify slowly warming the area around his heart. It might have been fear, it might have been the taco salad from lunch. Or it might just have been a memory, worming its way into a place where it could find no welcome.

He gave the Stargate one last look and walked away, deliberately going in the opposite direction he had seen Jack O’Neill take. As he walked, seemingly aimlessly, he pondered again why he had come so willingly with these people, people he didn’t know to come to a place he didn’t know.

True, he had just announced that his memories were coming back and indeed, something was rushing into his brain like a damned up river, suddenly and ferociously released on an unsuspecting and unprepared downstream village. He was just so very afraid that when this storm was no more, that his mind would closely resemble that flattened, devastated village.

His feet stopped him in front of a room he knew used to be Daniel’s. Somewhere, in his mind, it seemed easier, and fairer somehow, to refer to Daniel as a separate person. A different person.

He wasn’t quite ready to don the cloak of Daniel just yet. It was yet to be seen if it would be an adequate fit.

*

Samantha Carter came and found him and smiled some more at him and asked him if he was ready to go to Jack’s house. Because he didn’t know how to politely refuse, he agreed and found himself being chivvied into a room to change into clothes unlike those he was wearing, Samantha explaining that this uniform was only worn on base or off-world. He donned the clothes she handed him and followed her meekly as she took a long and circuitous route from the base, chattering and smiling at him all the way.

He couldn’t recall ever feeling this feeling, this…joy just because he was Daniel and there.

It also made being Daniel that much harder, for behind the joy was a thin line of expectation. He could see it behind every smile that hung on just a second too long; every person was waiting for him to have an ‘aha!’ moment, confess he remembered that they had shared a love of Russian literature or Hershey bars or well-washed Levis. His mind knew theses things, the remembered sound and beauty of the Russian language, the feel of denim on his legs, the soft sensuality of chocolate on the tongue, but he didn’t know these things.

It was the smiles he found himself mistrusting the most, for he feared there was a distinct lack of sincerity behind them, as if someone had gone to every single person on this base and instructed – no, ordered – them to appear happy and cheerful in his presence. This was something, his bones told him, that Jack O’Neill was quite capable of doing.

Mathematically, it simply didn’t track, that everyone loved and missed him. Someone, somewhere, must hate his guts. But they were hiding it well. However, time was on his side; he just had to wait them out, their truth would eventually show itself.

A man, he knew, could be judged both by friend and enemy.

*

He declined the beer without hesitation, without thought. Something annoying nibbled at his mind and told him he was in no shape to lose control today. Here, in this hour, in this house, he had to maintain the façade of being Daniel.

It was, actually, much easier than he’d imagined. These people wanted to believe he was Daniel, therefore, they believed it. It was himself he found the hardest to convince.

“Daniel Jackson.” He jolted, as he nearly always did at the stentorian tone of Teal’c’s voice. “You do not appear to be enjoying yourself. Is there anything additional we may provide for your comfort?”

The worst part, the very worst part, he realized, was the obvious sincerity, the concern in his voice, on his face. It caused him to speak in a harsher tone than he intended. “How would I know? I don’t remember this.”

Teal’c frowned at him. “You have no memory of O’Neill’s home? Yet you stated that your memory was returning.”

He shifted his gaze away from the other man, whom he had come to realize was very difficult to lie to. “I don’t know what I don’t remember until I don’t remember it.” He shook his head. “That didn’t even make sense to me.”

“Perhaps we have pushed you too hard, expected too much from you. Perhaps we should, as O’Neill would say, back off?”

Taking the time to formulate a sentence, he nodded slowly. “Yeah, I think that would be a very good idea.”

Unfortunately, Jack O’Neill erupted into their conversation at that precise moment. And backing off seemed to be nowhere on his agenda. “Daniel, come over here and settle an argument for me. Yeah, I know, but it’s not that kind of an argument. Spalding insists he was the one who got us out of that scrape on 442. Come and tell him that it was my diplomatic skills saved the day.”

Teal’c swooped in to assist him. “Daniel Jackson has stated that his memories are still somewhat out of place. I do not believe it would be wise to ask him to perform such a task at this time.”

O’Neill immediately turned serious. “Daniel, I thought you said your memories were coming back?”

The other man automatically went on the defensive; later he would ask himself how he knew that this was just what Daniel would have done. “I don’t remember everything. I don’t know who this Spalding is you’re talking about or what happened on this…planet…whatever you called it. I don’t remember!”

“Okay, calm down.”

His words had the opposite effect on him. “How can I calm down when all these people,” his hand swept the now silent room, “expect me to know them and remember things and I can’t do that!”

“All these people are here because they love you, Daniel. They’re happy that you’re home.”

“That’s not true.”

“Daniel!” His tone offered a warning.

“There’s what, twenty people in this house? Some of them have to dislike me. I’ve pissed off somebody, somewhere, sometime. So don’t expect me to believe that Daniel is this great guy who everyone loved and admired and respected.”

He hadn’t seen Samantha herding people out of the way until it was just the four of them left. “Oh, believe me, Daniel, you’ve pissed off plenty of people in your lifetime. Some of whom are standing in this room right now.”

“Then why aren’t you being honest with him?” He fumbled. “Me, I mean, me. Why aren’t you being honest with me?”

The slightly pissed-off look slid off Jack’s face, to be replaced by a crooked grin. A knowing grin that suddenly, irrationally, angered the other man, made him veer toward violence, made him want to take a swing at him. Instead, he attacked verbally. “What the hell is so funny?”

The slight grin bloomed into a full face smile. “What’s funny is that I’ve seen more of the real Daniel in the past five minutes than I have in the past five days. You never take anything at face value; you’ve got more ‘whys’ in you than a two-year-old. You’re always questioning everything.” He took a long drink of his beer. “Including why you think you don’t deserve these feelings you keep getting from everyone.” His voice turned serious. “You died, goddammit! That’s not something anyone who was in that room is ever likely to forget.”

Ashamed, he realized the beer was shaking in Jack’s hand, that Sam had turned her face away, that Teal’c intense gaze had softened in sympathy. “I…I don’t think I can be this Daniel that you want me to be.”

“I’m sorry, Daniel. We shouldn’t expect you to just…walk back into your life. But is it so bad, to know you were missed, that you were - are - loved?” Jack’s voice was gentle, nearly tender.

“It…sometimes I can’t breathe.” He confessed with a shudder.

“Daniel Jackson was oftentimes arrogant and condescending to those who opposed his viewpoints.” Teal’c observed quietly. “Yet, he could also feel tremendous compassion for other beings, some of whom could not accurately be categorized as human.”

“Okay, so not perfect?” He forced himself to meet those unfathomable eyes.

“Daniel frequently acted before he thought, and got himself, and us, in trouble more than once.” Sam stepped forward. “But he always believed what he was doing was in someone’s best interests.”

“So. Far from perfect, Daniel, very far from perfect.” Jack lightly laid a hand on Daniel’s shoulder. “But he’s our Daniel. Short tempered and judgmental and impatient and, yes, arrogant. But also considerate and often kind and loyal, sort of like a beagle, really.” Jack beamed. “But you weren’t perfect. Oma didn’t offer you ascension because she saw perfection, but because she saw potential.” His hand gently squeezed his shoulder as Daniel started to protest. “Potential, not perfection. You need to keep that in mind.”

Daniel felt the breath leave his lungs in a hurried rush. “I’m sorry, this has all just been…really, really strange.”

“Oh, this isn’t the strangest thing that’s ever happened to us.”

“It isn’t?” Daniel blinked at them.

“Well, let’s see, the Colonel ate a piece of cake and got really old.” Sam smirked. “Then we all got the caveman virus.”

“An insect attempted to use my body as an incubation device.”

“You’re making that up,” Daniel accused.

“Indeed, I am not. I remember on one mission, Colonel O’Neill admitted that he was incorrect and that you, Daniel Jackson, were correct.”

“Oh, I’ve got to see that mission report.” Daniel found a smile escaping.

“Let me get you a beer and I’ll tell you about the little gray aliens.” Jack kept his hand on Daniel’s back as he propelled him into the kitchen.

“It’s good to have him back, Teal’c.” The voices in the kitchen warmed Sam all the way through.

“Indeed, it is good to have Daniel Jackson returned to us. Let us hasten to rescue him from Colonel O’Neill before he begins the story of our robot counterparts; we have no wish to frighten him any more than is necessary.” They followed their teammates up the steps.